It’s been a week of catch up and clean up around here. I’ve been busy with my projects, Jeff’s been busy with work and Jack, well, he’s been busy hiding important objects–keys, iPod, magazines, bananas. Good times. In between all of that I’ve been copying and pasting some old files which made me all nostalgic.
Since getting married in 2003, I’ve been part of this wonderful online community over at MSN. It stemmed from a bigger message board and became very much a part of my day. The girls became such great friends and every now and then we’d even get to see each other. On that board, I kept a very private blog that only they could read. And with MSN shutting down that service, it’s the end of an era. Even though we’re all moving on to another message board, it was fun to look back at the different phases in life that were documented on that blog. While some of the stuff is best kept private, there are some entries that I thought would be fun to share. (Because nothing says fun like sharing your heart and soul for the whole world to read!) It was like reading my childhood diary, minus all the-I- hate-my-brother.-He-sucks-rambling.
For the record, my brothers don’t suck–well, at least not all the time.
Since this blog started out as a way to document my pregnancy and musings as a new mom, I guess you could say that my other blog was my prequel. For those that may not know, it took about 2 years for us to get pregnant, which was an emotionally trying time. But above all, that adversity tested our marriage and reinforced so much more.
Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active.
A lot of people don’t know or realize (or care) that Jeff and I are complete and total opposites.Take last week’s election for example: I was vehemently opposed to our Republican candidate for senate, not because he couldn’t represent us well, but because I thought his views on certain things were quite absurd and weak. I have a hard time voting for someone who can’t make his own mind up, but instead can only offer negative feedback as his prime line of defense on his opponent. If he can’t stand behind his own conservative stance on things, why should I trust you to make decisions for me?Albeit fueled by a Tuesday night at the bar, after voting, Jeff and I had an extremely heated debate. Jeff doesn’t think it’s right for us to play God– no matter if it’s stem cell research or reproductive endocrinology.Even though we constantly have strong opinions for separate views about everything, it always makes for an intellectual and thought-provoking conversation. It’s who we are.On a more direct and personal level, we’ve always wanted something similar– but we’ve always had that strong opposing view on how to attain our goals. He’s more direct, by the book. Me, I’m more unconventional and sometimes unrealistic; backed by research, I’m headstrong and usually take a let’s-do-it-my-way attitude. My passion in certain scenarios inhibits progress, I’ve found.I hate to make such a severe analogy here, but it’s really the only way to accept the way things are between us. I’m so far from his conservative views, I couldn’t get any bluer in the face.Since late 2004, I’ve had a stack of books on my bookshelf– 8 to be exact– on stories of conception, understanding IF and the latest technology when dealing with IF. My own research and proactiveness in this extremity has proven so futile, I know.What’s taking so long? Why has this been so frustrating?Well, there’s a myriad of conclusions. But, the simple answer is: we’re a team and my team partner wants to take a very different and let’s be patient route.Complex answer: it’s about faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in our destiny, faith in us.I’m guilty of questioning my faith. a lot. Not my spirituality, but my faith. And that’s what’s made all of this so hard.And so, today, I’m we’re at a new crossroads. For the first time in a while, I feel so empowered. I can freely say and believe when I say, God only gives us challenges that he knows we’re strong enough to handle.I’m glad Jeff and I are channeling this questionable energy into something more positives and uplifting. I truly hope we’ll be able to find a home within the next few months. I’m even more excited about our next consultation next weekend. I don’t know what it’ll all mean, but having him there with the facts/possibilities verbally expressed will make a big difference. (I hope.) We have so many exciting possibilities in front of us.Today, in an email exchange about a consultation with a new specialist next week and excitement about a future home purchase, I told Jeff that our dreams of winning the lottery shall never die.Jeff says: Don’t need the lottery. We are going to live the American Dream and own our own business. we will also have 2.3 kids.tears streaming down my face and laughing hysterically I reply:WE are. I know it. 2.3? We can’t even have one that easily. where will the 1.3 come from? Malawi?…Valiant proof of our crossroads and visual proof of our faith and humility.
2 months after this entry, I found out I was pregnant with Jack.
2 years later, I’m screaming things like, DO NOT CLIMB ON TOP OF THE TV! NORMAL PEOPLE WATCH TV FROM THE FLOOR!!
Oh, and we’re still looking for a new home.