I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday…after watching the latest episode of Desperate Housewives.

Yeah, I really just said that.

I’ve always said that I don’t refer to myself as a “housewife” or as they say, SAHM.  We don’t go to playgroups or hangout at Starbucks or Panera like some of my mom friends in town are known to do.  Not that anything’s wrong with that—aside from the work that is being a mother, I consider myself a mom who works at home.

jack and his computerAnd I do…every day while trying to raise a toddler practically by myself during the week, while spearheading a website, making industry connections, attending meetings with toy executives, wiping a resistant booty, while fielding emails and ignoring laundry.

I work.  Just like so many other mamas, my daily struggle is trying to find that balance.  Yup, I’m still going at it.  Boohoo, right?

Nah…but as of late, I feel so completely overwhelmed by this existentialist crisis I have going on.

WHAT am I doing and where am I going with all of this?  Was dropping out of the conventional “rat race” worth it?  If I’m home most of the time caring for my own kid, then why do assholes look at me as if I’m the pariah?   If I went back to work in an office to work for the man again, just to feel worthless and constricted creatively, who wins then?  The kid who goes to daycare from 7am to 7pm everyday?

I’m over a year into this now, but as I get deeper into this path I’m on, I hear/feel/see more flack than you’d ever believe.

Is it really 2010?

This mommy wars stuff is bullshit.  And it’s hitting me hard.

I’ll save the rest of my dialogue for another day, the one where I’ve created this website that fuels my passion and creative desires.  The one where companies fill my mailbox with their new products, just to have a chance to be mentioned on my little site.  I’m only a year in, and I’ve barely scraped the surface.  Again, I’m not moving mountains here, I’m just doing what I’ve always wanted to do…

It’s exciting to experience the progress of this new direction and watch my vision grow.

Why do I care when people ask what I “do” and they raise their eyebrows and have no idea what to say, nevermind take me seriously?  I shouldn’t, but I do.

Why do I care when an someone’s annoying nanny tells MY kid at the playground to relax when I’m in the process of disciplining him MYSELF?  Because I do.

Not many people “get it” and so, it gets trivial explaining things and tolerating the ones who don’t.

But when I went to play the latest episode of the Desperate Housewives on our DVR, I thought it was ridiculous to find Gabby and Susan in a silly fight.

Gabby, your trophy housewife and former homeschooling mom, just enrolled her daughters in the private school where Susan works.  At the school, they have an obscure grouping system for the kids.  Based on their learning levels, they’re grouped in certain group that only the administrators know which “level” the kids are in, to avoid parent competitiveness.

Gabby, decodes the system and reveals to Susan, who has been touting HER kid as the above average student; when in fact, it was Gabby’s kids who were above average all along.  Gabby explains to Susan that her kids are her “calling cards.”

She had no career to speak of anymore, but insisted that her kids were her fulltime job.  Gabby prided herself on her kids’ progress, most importantly because everyone doubted her as a mother who homeschooled her kids.

We clearly don’t live on Wisteria Lane, so I can’t say I’m either Susan or Gabby, but I can say that their little argument spoke volumes.

Jack is my calling card these days. In the past year, I have more Jackisms to show for than I do bylines.

He’s truly a wonderful little boy who freely spouts, “I love you Mommy,” demands to “let’s eat together!” and pets my face while I peck away at the computer as he sits next to me all day.

The looks of disdain I get from people for choosing to be a mom [who works at home] might eat me alive on certain days, but other days, I’ve got my “calling card” to bail me out.